Charitable holiday gifts: a great solution for those awkward gifting situations

We all occasionally (or more than occasionally!) have those gift-giving situations we can't figure out how to handle-- do we give this person a gift or not? Often the biggest part of the awkwardness is not wanting the other person to feel obligated to reciprocate. Sometimes this translates into no gift at all, even if you really want the person to know you're thinking of them; sometimes it means you give a small gift so as not to overwhelm, which often leads to a cycle of exchanging little trinkets that neither of you really want or will use. But this year in just such a situation, I think I've hit upon a great solution-- charity-related gifting!

There are some big benefits:

• Shows you're thinking of them. Giving a gift to a charitable organization in someone's name definitely shows them that you care and that you took the time to think about them during the holiday season. And if you can find an organization that's a good fit for their interests, it's especially thoughtful.
• Less likely to make them feel awkward or obligated about giving back to you. Because you're not sending them an actual gift, but instead making a donation in their name, there's less of a sense of "Oh, so we're gift-exchangers now." At worst, it creates a cycle of charitable giving, which is the best kind of giving cycle!
  
• Keeps the "stuff" to a minimum. These gifts typically do come with some kind of tangible recognition, often a certificate and/or nice photograph. To me that seems just about right-- often you want the person to have something to hold in their hands, but "a little something" is less wasteful than the kind of stuff that you might otherwise buy in this situation.
  
• Giving to a good cause. And then there's the fact that your money is going to a worthy cause. That's wonderful in and of itself, and it also could mean that if you consider it part of your "giving budget" then you have little or no extra expense. (Or if you don't have a giving budget and it is an extra expense, at least it's a tax-deductible one.)
  

As for me, I'd been struggling with how to approach giving gifts to my boyfriend's family. I haven't spent the holidays with them in person yet, so we haven't exchanged gifts so far, but after getting to know them better this year I wanted to show them I was thinking of them. Yet I also didn't want them to feel obligated to reciprocate (or embarrassed that they hadn't.) But once I started to think along the lines of charitable gifts, it all fell into place. I adopted half an acre in the Northern Rockies for his father, who really enjoys nature in general and that area of the country in particular, and I sponsored an animal for his sister, who's a real animal-lover. (There are a lot of other great choices, too; Oxfam America Unwrapped is one of my personal favorites, but there's a ton of options of all sorts listed at Changing the Present.) I think everyone wins-- I get to show them I'm thinking of them, they feel cared for, and more money goes towards conserving nature and protecting animals.

What's your take on giving to charity as a gift to others? And how else do you approach these awkward "do I or don't I?" gift-giving situations?

Registering for what matters: Tips and resources for including non-traditional gifts in your registry

Are you putting together a registry for your wedding/committment ceremony, a baby registry, or any other sort of gift wishlist? Do you believe in emphasizing meaning more than "stuff" in gift-giving, but aren't sure how to translate that into gift-receiving?

There are a variety of different ways you can use a gift registry, some quite non-traditional; what it takes is thinking deeply and creatively about what you really want, and then, if you discover that what you'd appreciate receiving is not limited to brand new brand-name items, you may want to find a gift registry website that will help you convey that. One option is the Alternative Gift Registry website (by the non-profit Center for a New American Dream, which means no ads on the site!); it offers the key functions of a gift registry-- letting people know what you want and tracking what's already being given-- while allowing great flexibility in describing what you want.

Here are some traditional and non-traditional categories of gifts to consider including in your registry, all of which can be easily handled at the Alternative Gift Registry:

• You can certainly request specific items you want with a link to any store on the web (or information about the specific item and brand so they can find it themselves at the best price and/or without favoring a specific corporate chain store.) This is especially important if you expect that different people are going to be buying parts of a matched set-- you can link to another registry that includes the set(s) and use the main list at AGR as a hub.
  
• If you're more flexible, you can just list an item or category, giving them the opportunity to be more creative and personal-- and to shop wherever they like ("eight white napkins," "board games; we especially like word games, but we do already have Scrabble and Boggle.")
  
• You can also ask for experiences rather than objects ("theater tickets would be wonderful," "we'd get a lot of use and enjoyment out of an annual National Parks pass.")
• You can let people know you'd accept or even prefer gently used gifts ("good books-- used ones are fine," "a playpen, new or used," "used baby clothes, we'd feel wasteful if you bought new ones!")
  
• You can even ask for non-material items like services ("we need someone to check in on our pets while we're on our honeymoon," "mowing the lawn for us one summer afternoon would be just as appreciated as any item you could buy," "if you could bring over dinner sometime in the first two weeks after the baby's born, that would be terrific") or donations to charity.
  

One thing I really like about this website is that it lets you convey that non-traditional gifts are just as welcomed and valued as the "normal" ones, in a way that registering on a traditional site and then saying "Oh, but X would be fine too" doesn't. If it's part of your life and your values to decrease the amount of "stuff" in your home; if you feel good about getting things used rather than new because it's better for the planet; if you want people to know that you won't think the amount of money they spend on you is a measure of how much they care; if there are favors people could do for you that would really be more appreciated than something they'd buy-- if any of these or similar statements is true, then communicating your desires and values about gifts can be freeing to your loved ones while helping you get gifts you feel good about. (The Alternative Gift Registry isn't the only way to do that; there may be other sites that can be used similarly and/or you may be able to handle it by word of mouth.)

So, what do you think? For those of you who've had a wedding/commitment ceremony/baby shower/etc, how'd you treat the gift registry? Did you welcome non-traditional gifts, and if so, how did you convey that to people? How about as a gift-giver-- have you ever seen an alternative type of gift registry, or otherwise been invited to give non-traditional gifts? If so, how'd it go? If not, how do you think you'd feel about it?

(Disclaimer: Although I'm gung-ho about this approach in theory, I've actually never created a registry myself since I've never been married or had a baby, so I am very interested in hearing the thoughts of those who have. But I've certainly bought wedding gifts off registries and wished I could give more non-traditionally but felt too presumptuous and awkward to do it; I'd really love getting the go-ahead from an alternative gift registry.)

Battling the roots of materialism by focusing on happiness

According to a recent study, materialism in pre-teens and teenagers may actually be linked to low self-esteem. The study, which measured materialism by looking at what kinds of pictures young people included when asked to make collages of "what makes me happy," found that when kids read compliments about themselves from their peers before making the collages, the level of materialism they displayed dropped dramatically.

So the study appears to suggest that even though many young people think having consumer goods is what makes them happy, if they start to feel better about themselves their focus will shift to non-materialistic priorities like friends and family. In other words, if a teen you know is begging for pricey items, you may be better off spending more quality time with them-- boosting their self-esteem, and thus increasing their relative appreciation of your company compared to the material goods-- rather than spending that extra time earning the money to buy them what they want.

I wouldn't be surprised if this applies more generally to most of us. I know a lot of people have patterns of turning to shopping when they're feeling stressed or unhappy or lonely; I don't really have cravings to buy clothes or books or electronics, but for me it's sometimes a weakness for fancy overpriced food or drinks that I'd otherwise avoid (but I think it's a money-rooted issue for me rather than a food dynamic-- I'm not thinking "It's okay to indulge in this yummy food because eating it will make me feel better," I'm thinking "It's okay to spend a little money on myself because I feel lousy and I deserve a nice treat to make me feel better.") But after we spend, we don't usually actually feel any better, at least in any permanent way.

The things that actually make us happy, according to happiness research, aren't material items. Having more money doesn't usually make us significantly happier (unless our basic needs aren't being met and it's a matter of getting out of poverty)-- even though the studies find that almost all of us think we'd be much happier if we earned more money.

The things that actually increase our happiness most are things like close relationships with friends and family, good health, a sense of control over our own lives, the "flow" state that comes when we're accomplishing challenging and fulfilling things, and getting enough exercise and sleep. Sure, money and material objects can help us achieve some of those things to some extent. But focusing on money can also interfere with many of those things-- especially if we forget it's supposed to be the means to an end (happiness!) and start thinking about it like an end itself.

In other words, when we find ourselves feeling materialistic, we'd be well-served to wonder if we're like the teens in the study, and if what we really need is to find better ways to feel happy and good about ourselves. But also on the other side of the coin, when we find ourselves spending our precious time on earning more money, maybe we should be asking whether we're making the best investment in our happiness and that of our loved ones. Do we need all that money to cover our real honest needs and feel reasonably secure about the future? Or are we being bad predictors of what will really make us happy?

As for me? I've been feeling more and more like my life isn't quite how it ought to be. I like my job. But I work more hours than I wish I did, I sock money in the bank, and I tell myself it's great because it'll give me more freedom to pursue my dreams in the future. But right now, today, I'm not as happy as I could be. I'm not investing enough time in my friendships, or in the kind of meaningful hobbies that get me in the "flow" state-- I get home tired and stressed and I veg (watch TV, waste time online, etc.) I think I need to realign my time but I haven't figured out yet what my next steps are...

How about you? Do you get caught in patterns of spending and/or working that don't really fundamentally make you happier? How have you succeeded (or failed) at getting that under control?

Holiday Gifting: 14 Ways to Give More Meaning and Less Stuff

Now that we're in the middle of Hanukkah, and Christmas is right around the corner, it's the time of year when gift-giving is on everyone's mind. I don't know about you, but it drives me nuts to give and receive so much meaningless stuff, just out of tradition. It's bad for the environment, it's stressful to have extra clutter in the house, and it emphasizes material objects as the way to show people you care about them. Ugh!

So I keep trying to figure out different ways to keep the good parts of holiday gifting-- the spirit of generosity, the expressions of love and friendship and appreciation to those we care about, the desire to make others happy-- while trying to decrease the commercialism and materialism and excess "stuff" as much as possible. (Which often goes hand in hand with a more frugal, less costly holiday, too!)

Here are a wide variety of different approaches:

Give to fewer people

• Make no-gift agreements: If you and a friend or relative are on the same page about not wanting gifts, you can take the simple approach of crossing eachother off your gift lists. (This can also be adapted into a pact to take any of the approaches below, like agreeing to give to charity on eachothers' behalf, exchange favors, or share an experience.)
• Give gifts to fewer people in your circle: In a family circle or a group of friends, you can pull names out of a hat so that everyone gets and gives one gift each, rather than shopping for everyone. This cuts down on the number of gifts dramatically, while still maintaining some of the traditional gift-exchanging feel.

Give to a good cause

• Give donations in others' names: If there are causes that are important to your gift recipient, how about making a donation in their name? Often you can get a card sent as an acknowledgement of the donation. Sometimes your donation can translate into a gift membership to the organization. And an increasing number of non-profits are set up so that your donation is the equivalent of a tangible "item" like a cow, a stack of blankets, a water treatment kit, etc-- try standalone organizations like Oxfam (one of many!) or check out the multi-organization site Changing The Present, just for starters.
  
• Give a charity gift certificate: If you don't want to pick the cause, you think your recipients would rather select the organization themselves, or you just want a gift certificate to hand over, try Just Give, a pretty TisBest charity gift card, or other sites where you pick the amount and your recipient picks the non-profit which benefits. (Be sure to shop around to check out the fees and administrative costs at each place, so you know how much of your money's actually getting passed on to the organization.)
  
• Give a product connected to a donation: You just know that some of your intended gift recipients won't be satisfied with a "look, I made a donation for you!" card or receipt. But you can still buy them a product where the proceeds go to a good cause, or make a donation that comes with something as a thank you. The World Wildlife Fund is a great example; you can make a donation and in exchange your recipient gets to "adopt an animal," complete with cute stuffed animal, photo, and certificate. A number of places like UNICEF sell gift items and use the proceeds for their organization's mission.

Give non-"stuff" gifts

• Give experiences: There are all sorts of experience-based gifts that will be just as appreciated as physical items, or even more so. From tickets to concerts, movies, and plays, to admission (one-time or yearlong) to museums, national parks, and theme parks, to spa visits, to gift certificates for restaurant meals, and more, your options are only limited by your creativity. And these kinds of gifts are often especially meaningful if you plan to share the experience with the gift recipient, because you're giving the gift of quality time together as well.
• Give favors: From babysitting to cooking to back massages to crafting lessons, offering your skills and assistance is a great way to give something that will be truly appreciated but that doesn't involve buying physical stuff. And since it costs you your time rather than money, it has the bonus of being super-frugal.
• Give expressions of your love and friendship: It really depends on you and your recipient, but a heartfelt letter, poem, song, etc can be profoundly meaningful and appreciated, expressing your thoughtfulness and caring directly rather than trying to do it indirectly by purchasing something.
• Give food and drink items: Consumable items may be "stuff" when they start out, but eventually they're used up, leaving less clutter and less waste. This is one of my favorite type of gifts as a recipient, especially when it's in the form of treats that I wouldn't buy for myself. A nice variation on stand-alone food and drink items is the "package-the-ingredients-for-a-recipe" route, which can be really fun and creative. And of course, you can bake or cook items yourself.
• Give online/electronic gifts: To give credit where it's due, I never would have thought of this if I hadn't read it at Unclutterer.com, but it's an interesting idea. Gifts like a Flickr pro account, iTunes songs, or access to subscription-only websites don't involve any clutter or waste.

Give non-purchased stuff

• Give used: Whether it's toys and clothes for kids, outfits that don't quite fit you, books you've read and are done with, video games you've beat, or anything else you've already used but others would appreciate, give a thought about whether it's an appropriate gift. Obviously the condition of the item will make a big difference, but we have these cultural ideas about the importance of ripping open the packaging of something brand-new, and that could use a lot of debunking. For example, there's no reason that the holidays have to be about new store-bought gifts for kids, with hand-me-downs relegated to backroom exchanges. And one of my favorite sweaters was passed to me by a relative who it didn't fit anymore; if it had been an official holiday gift, it would have been just as appreciated as any new sweater I've gotten.
  
• Re-gift: As long as you keep good records so you don't give gifts back to the people who gave them to you (or were there when you got them), there's no shame in re-gifting. Why should you buy something new while perfectly good gifts waste away on a back shelf somewhere (or worse, get tossed in the trash)? Of course, you shouldn't do it if you think it will be as unwanted by the recipient as it was by you, but people's tastes differ, and some people will use things others find useless.
• Give homemade: Okay, so homemade gifts often rely on a certain amount of purchased materials, and can be just as clutter-y as any other gift, but they usually involve less waste and less expense than other items and have a lot more meaning attached to them. And there are some great ways that the crafty can actually recycle products into homemade gifts, too-- This Recycled Life is one place to get some ideas.
  

Give better stuff

• Give fair trade, organic, recycled, sweatshop-free, green, non-corporate, etc: If in the end you do decide to buy new things to give certain people, why not try to give items that fit your values (and those of your recipients)? Take a look at this post, which links to a ton of great websites where you can find these sorts of gifts, including discount codes for holiday sales!

What am I missing? What are your favorite ways to give greener, saner, more frugal gifts during the holidays? Please share!

Think before you buy! A wallet-sized reminder of your priorities

I stumbled across something online recently that I think is absolutely fantastic: a credit/debit card sleeve [PDF] from the Center for the New American Dream that serves as a reminder to buy less and think about your values while shopping.

Just click on the link, print it out, cut on the dotted line, and tape it up. Then put your card(s) inside, and you'll see the questions every time you pull out your credit/debit card to charge something. This is what's on the sleeve:

Every dollar I spend is a statement about the kind of world I want & the quality of life I value.

Sample questions to ask before buying:

• Is this something I need?
• Do I already own something that could serve the same purpose?
• Can I borrow one, find one used, or make one instead of buying new?
• Was it made locally?
• Was it made with environmentally preferable materials?
• Was it made with fair labor practices?
• Will it serve more than one purpose?
• Is it made well enough to last a useful length of time?
• Will it be easy and cost-effective to maintain?
• Will using it require excessive energy?
• Does it come in excessive packaging?
• Can I recycle or compost it when I'm done with it?
• If I'm still not sure, can I wait a month before deciding to buy it?

I personally think this set of questions is really fantastic and spot-on for me, so I'm going to use the wallet buddy as-is. I ask myself some of these questions some of the time when shopping, but I certainly don't think about all of them all the time, and I could use a handy reminder. This is the kind of conscious consuming I'm aiming for.

But if you have different questions you want to ask yourself, you could make your own sleeve. They could remind you about avoiding bad habits ("Will I enjoy this in the short-term but regret it in the long-term?" or even "Am I buying another X even though I know I shouldn't?"), being selective about credit card use ("Can I pay this off at the end of the month?"), not using your credit cards at all ("Is this an emergency? Is this worth the interest charges I'll have to pay?"), or whatever else fits your priorities.

Of course, I'm sure that the effect of seeing the questions on the sleeve will wear off after time. And by the time you're pulling out your card to check out, it's an awkward time to stop and reconsider! But I'm hoping that the repeated exposure will keep the questions in my mind.

What do you think? Corny or effective? And more importantly, what questions belong on your sleeve-- or your mental checklist-- when you're shopping?